I think one of the main reasons I have been so good at avoiding relationships is to avoid the inevitable disappointment that comes with being human.
People cancel first dates, cheat on their partners, let down their friends, and just generally are humans who make mistakes. I guess at some point I decided the best way to keep this troublesome emotion at bay was to avoid forming too many close relationships.
This was the first week after the holidays. I only went into the office once. Avoiding human contact on Friday did not help me to avoid feeling disappointment.
The Thursday in the office was actually alright. No one was around, although I did have an interesting interaction with some youths on the ferry ride in. They told me to “be safe out there” which I took as a nice reminder that people are oblivious. I’m fairly sure he was making fun of me for riding a scooter with a motorcycle helmet. But I value my face more than looking cool.
Friday was a different story. My housekeeper let me know at the last minute she wouldn’t be able to make it a few minutes before my teammates began pushing hot fixes to faulty code they shipped the night before.
This code would have worked if they had followed our manager’s direction and pushed my update two months ago.
For some reason they avoided doing that and instead kept rushing through project tickets as quickly as possible.
I’m not sure why I have such a difficult time with this emotion. I’m regularly disappointed with myself, my employer, and circumstances beyond my control. Each time this insidious feeling makes an appearance, my mind goes into overdrive. Trying to find some way to prevent it from happening again.
As with most things in life, it will take practice. I’ll need to get better at recognizing this emotion when it begins and accepting that it is a part of life. The only way to do that is to experience it regularly and try each time to acknowledge it and let it go without removing the source from my life entirely.
After all, the disappointment isn’t what’s been causing me issues in the long run. Avoiding it has had serious and difficult side effects.
A bit of disappointment here and there is a small price to pay for love, friendship, and community—the very things I’ve been avoiding to protect myself.
I’ll keep working on it
– James