The Sober Introvert

Blog

  • Procrastidating

    How to date when dating seems pointless

    A few weeks ago, I was in a small accident while commuting to work on my electric unicycle. I lost the use of my right arm for two weeks and depression took over my life, again. Since then, I’ve gotten back to working out and making progress on a few home improvement projects. Dating is the one thing I was working on before the crash that I haven’t been able to start again.

    I’m not sure what it could be. I’m in the best shape of my life, I have the best job I’ve ever had, and for the first time in many years I actually like where I live.

    As I shared in my post Avoiding Disappointment, I tend to avoid things that make me feel “bad” in some way. Or even things that might make me feel bad.

    I’ve had plenty of decent and some good dates, but every relationship I’ve been in ends in a breakup. I suppose they all do, except those that last a lifetime.

    My last relationship burned fast and hot, we were both incredibly enamored from the beginning. Then our mutual differences came into the light and it petered out rather quickly.

    I want to believe that there is a way I can be in a healthy, long-term relationship. I just don’t have any evidence to support it. So I’m left with hope.

    And hope and I have not been getting along well lately.

    I’m not sure how to get back out there. I have a dating profile and was chatting with a few guys who seemed very nice. After my scooter accident, I haven’t been able to even open the app. It feels pointless.

    Maybe I’m focusing too much on the outcome? I’m worried it will turn out badly and put off starting. Things can’t end badly if they never start in the first place.

    I’m committing here that I will spend at least one hour this weekend on the app. That sounds insurmountable but it’s at least something.

    If anyone has been in a similar situation and would like to share some tips on starting to date again, I would love to hear them.

  • An Unfortunate Beginning

    It’s the end of the second full week of 2025. At this point I was hoping to write about how my first 8 days going to the office full time went. Unfortunately, that isn’t possible.

    On my first Thursday commute, I hit a pothole wrong and dumped my scooter. After a few hours in the lovely Seattle VA ER, I found out I had fractured my scapula. An injury the kind doctor informed me is usually only discovered during an autopsy. I suppose I should count myself as fortunate that it was found on me while I was still breathing.

    The 10 days after my accident have made me remember exactly why I am trying to get out of my home and my head more.

    I’ve seen one person that I know in that time. I can’t carry my backpack and my scooter is still at the office so I have no way of commuting to or from work. My family is all out of state and my closest friends here have incredibly busy lives.

    So it’s just been me and Ellie, the brightest spot in my life. I really rely on her constant energy and joy, even when we’re both stuck inside she’s always glad just to cuddle up next to me and sleep.

    Ordinarily, I love living alone and really enjoy the time I spend baking and working on various hobbies and tasks during the weekend. I can’t really do any of those things that I enjoy and find meaningful because the scapula I fractured is on my dominant side.

    I tried baking and managed to get a few things out that I’m proud of. The taste of a freshly baked cracker is a nice bit of solace and a great reminder to keep doing what I can, even if it’s not that much.

    I am someone who has struggled with depression for most of my adult life. One of the most fun things about that disorder is that it makes every bad thing seem permanent. It literally feels like even if my shoulder heals, I will feel this way for the rest of my life. I will never see anyone I care about or who cares about me.

    I do my best to remember that it is just the disease talking but I haven’t been doing a great job of it. In fact, the longer I spend alone the darker my thoughts become.

    Even FaceTime doesn’t seem to help anymore. My accident has made me realize that actual physical people are the only way to have a meaningful life. It doesn’t matter if I spend 8 hours a day talking with my mom, when things go wrong there is absolutely nothing either of us can do to help the other.

    I don’t know where to go from here. I still have 5 weeks in a sling left before I’ll have full use of my primary hand and arm, hopefully.

    It would be very nice to see someone I know.

  • Avoiding Disappointment

    Avoiding Disappointment

    I think one of the main reasons I have been so good at avoiding relationships is to avoid the inevitable disappointment that comes with being human.

    People cancel first dates, cheat on their partners, let down their friends, and just generally are humans who make mistakes. I guess at some point I decided the best way to keep this troublesome emotion at bay was to avoid forming too many close relationships.

    This was the first week after the holidays. I only went into the office once. Avoiding human contact on Friday did not help me to avoid feeling disappointment.

    The Thursday in the office was actually alright. No one was around, although I did have an interesting interaction with some youths on the ferry ride in. They told me to “be safe out there” which I took as a nice reminder that people are oblivious. I’m fairly sure he was making fun of me for riding a scooter with a motorcycle helmet. But I value my face more than looking cool.

    Friday was a different story. My housekeeper let me know at the last minute she wouldn’t be able to make it a few minutes before my teammates began pushing hot fixes to faulty code they shipped the night before.

    This code would have worked if they had followed our manager’s direction and pushed my update two months ago.

    For some reason they avoided doing that and instead kept rushing through project tickets as quickly as possible.

    I’m not sure why I have such a difficult time with this emotion. I’m regularly disappointed with myself, my employer, and circumstances beyond my control. Each time this insidious feeling makes an appearance, my mind goes into overdrive. Trying to find some way to prevent it from happening again.

    As with most things in life, it will take practice. I’ll need to get better at recognizing this emotion when it begins and accepting that it is a part of life. The only way to do that is to experience it regularly and try each time to acknowledge it and let it go without removing the source from my life entirely.

    After all, the disappointment isn’t what’s been causing me issues in the long run. Avoiding it has had serious and difficult side effects.

    A bit of disappointment here and there is a small price to pay for love, friendship, and community—the very things I’ve been avoiding to protect myself.

    I’ll keep working on it

    – James